I found a Doctor For Sam!!

It has taken me literally years to find the PERFECT Doctor for Sam.  The Hospice Nurse phoned this Doctor during her last visit and asked this Doctor if he would take on Sam as a patient and he said, "YES".  I quickly made a appointment.  He is the 5th Doctor we have seen, the previous Doctors their EGOS were too blown up for me.  Anyway, this Doctor is caring and loving and gentle and kind.  Everything I require in a Doctor. This Doctor asked the following questions??  "Does your husband mess his pants?" My reply was, "NO".  "Does he pee his pants?" I said, "NO".  When he asked if he forgets to wipe, my brain wanted to protect Sam and say, "no" but I said, "Only a few times".  Of course, this was a bold out lie.  Sam forgets to wipe often, leaving permanent stains on his sheet and comforter and throwing out a few underwear in the process.   Am I protecting Sam or am I protecting myself?

Summer of 2009

Sam and I drove to Indiana to visit his family.  The family was notified of Sam's condition.  At this stage, Sam wasn't driving and I noticed he was not taking his medication regularly, so I suggested that I give him his medication and he was adamant he would take his own medication.  We would play card games with his sisters and Sam was having difficulty concentrating and making mistakes.  At this stage, Sam's recollection of the past was becoming confused.  When we arrived home, Sam's condition did not change, he would continue be forgetful and his appetite was diminished and he did not like when I left him alone at home.  I noticed he became very clingy.  The next 12 months, I stayed home with Sam and becoming depressed and my dear sweet sister Su encouraged me to get out of the house and do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, and I would make excuses and afraid I would make Sam upset.  In July, of 2010, I took Sam to a Doctor and he placed Sam on Aricept, a medication to help control dementia..   I took a class at my church in Sept of 2010, and I had allot of fun, conversing with people, meeting new people and reunited with my Mentor, Pam and this brought joy to my life..  The class ended at the end of October and then the following month, Sam made his transition from mild Alzheimer's to Moderate.  It was Thanksgiving Day, I invited several people to join us for celebration and feast and Sam treated our guests with disrespect by sitting in living room not saying a word.  I was in shock.  He never treated people that came to our house with rudeness. 
From this day forward, Sam's mental behavior started to deteriorate and I was beside myself, not knowing what to do,  who to turn to, feeling confused and knowing deep down Sam made his next step into this monster disease and I felt I wasn't able to cope.  One night in December of 2010, I drank beer, wine, and we had some other alcohol and my wish was not to wake up the next day.  I did not want to face what I knew that stood before me.  What was I going to do?  Who was I going to turn to?   Was I able to face the outcome? Did I have it in me to take care of him?  Being so confused and in shock, it was my wish to not wake up after consuming a large amount of alcohol.

My first post: My Dear Husband who is in severe stages of Alzheimer's

I am a female,  I am a care partner.  My focus today, as of everyday, to make sure my husband's needs are being met.   It has been one year now since my husband made his transition from mild to severe Alzheimer's.  It has been a year now that I have been on a roller coaster, holding on for dear life.  My husband's whole demeanor changed from knowing how to fix things around the house, watching television, reading a book every night to transforming into a man who just sits in a chair and looks out the window.  He told me a few months ago, he had forgotten our past.  We seldom communicate nowadays.

In a few weeks, we will be celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary, and  lived together for 2 1/2 years prior to marriage. 

My husband is 79 years of age, I am 56 years of age.  We share Alzheimer's together.  Sam first showed signs of Alzheimer's in 2004, diagnosed in 2007 and diagnosed in  Feb 2011 as moderate Alzheimer's and September diagnosed as severe Alzheimer's.

Last January, I visited my Doctor and shared with her my dear husband's journey with this disease and it was at this time, I was no longer  was able to sleep due to the stress that I encountered due to the sudden changes my husband was experiencing.  I was losing my husband not by bits and pieces now but by chunks and I had no idea what to do, what to think, how to reach out..

This past year has seen many changes in our life and I have felt twisted like a pretzel, and my well for living had diminished, I did not see no future but witnessing my husband's progression with this awful disease that is  taking away his ability to think, to care for himself, to remember, and I am the one who is trying to cope.  I have to re-create my life. 

My future is  my fear, knowing my husband's condition is only worsening.and my title went from being his wife to being his care partner.   I am still in shock, still trying to figure this out. 

I know when one's future is bleak, it brings depression and sadness in one's life.  I believe people need to think about the future, it brings us hope, cheer, something to look forward to. 

I will relate my last year, to recapture the events that have led me to this place I am in now..